The Breakfast Chronicles
May your waivers fail and your bench outscore your starters.
By: League Vice Commish
Brinner Bloodbath: The Cereal Killer's Midnight Rampage
Gather 'round the campfire, Brinner Division, and prepare for a tale dripping with suspense... and syrup. For those with faint hearts or weak stomachs, proceed with caution.
Once a quiet team, the Cereal Killers, led by the insatiable Brandon, have carved their way through the Brinner Division, leaving a trail of vanquished foes in their wake. With three brutal wins under his belt this season, all against the shaken Brinner Division, Brandon is proving to be a relentless force, dispatching rivals as if they were mere moths to a flame.
Week 2 saw the unsuspecting French Toast Mafia get served a dish they hadn't ordered, falling victim to the Cereal Killer's merciless onslaught. The past two weeks weren't any gentler, as Dos Eggys and Fruity Rebbles met their sticky, grizzly ends.
But now, as the moon casts eerie shadows and the nights grow colder, Brandon sharpens his tools and sets his steely gaze upon his next Brinner Division victim: The Usyrupers. With Taylor at the helm, will they be the one to finally elude the Cereal Killer's grasp and end his reign of terror? Or will they be another notch on Brandon's spoon, as his bloody rampage continues?
Only time will tell... Until then, Brinner Division, sleep with one eye open and may your waffles be ever in your favor.
Week in Review
Frightening Starts of the Week: Cole Kmet, and Lions D/ST,
Ah, the spooky season brings with it another kind of fright - fantasy football fright nights! In the ghostly game of gridiron ghouls, our two "Boo!" players of the week sure did raise some hairs!
First up, we have Cole "The Black Cat" Kmet of the Fruity Rebbles, who seemed to have been cursed by a wandering witch (or maybe just an injured Justin Fields). After Fields took a ride on the injury broomstick, Kmet's performance became as invisible as a ghost, putting up less than 2 points and then handing Ryan a goose-egg scarier than a haunted house. His phantom play helped his team lose to the spine-chilling Cereal Killers, who were seen celebrating with bowls of 'Fright Loops' afterward.
Now, let's take a haunted hayride to the Schneiders' crypt. Exceptionally, we're including Kickers and Defense in our ghostly gathering because the Lions defense, normally as solid as a vampire's crypt, ended up spookier than a skeleton dance, putting up an unearthly -7 points against the Ravens. That performance was like finding a worm in your apple bobbing bucket - a total party pooper. It was enough of a scare to lose her the game to TJ, who might've just used some dark sorcery to secure his win.
This week in fantasy football was like a trick-or-treat bag full of rocks, a true All Hallows' Eve horror story. Better keep your garlic, holy water, and lucky charms handy for next week, folks! And remember, when it comes to fantasy football, sometimes the only thing scarier than the Halloween monsters are the Sunday game scores!
Clutch Start of the Week: Lamar Jackson and Travis Kelce
In the wicked week of gridiron goblins and grid-ghouls, we had some trick-or-treat treasures emerge from the shadows!
Leading our candy parade, Lamar "Jack-O'-Lantern" Jackson lit up the field like a carved pumpkin on a spooky night, steering Cody's Pancake Blockers to a win with a bewitching 33-point performance. Darting around like a bat on All Hallows' Eve, Jackson ran and passed with ease, casting a hex over this week's ghoulish trick: the Lions Defense. With this victory, Cody has kept his cauldron bubbling in the playoff brew-off.
Meanwhile, Matt's team, the Honey Bunches of Hoes, unwrapped a massive treat, racking up a monstrous 141 points. One of the star confections in his Halloween bag was Travis "Candy Corn" Kelce. Rumor has it he was trying to impress his boo, the enchantress Taylor Swift. With a spellbinding 29 points, it seems like Kelce's potion worked wonders. Now, Matt's riding his broomstick high with a 6-1 record, continuing to haunt his adversaries with a dominant season.
As the witching hour approaches and we sift through our trick-or-treat goodies, it's evident that some players are more treat than trick, and in the fantasy football world, that's the sweetest reward of all!
Howlin' Showdowns and Dusty Decisions: A Fantasy Football Frontier Tale
In the wild, wild west of fantasy football, where tumbleweeds roll and every week is a high-noon showdown, Scramblers FC stands tall, a team of gunslingers with grit in their veins. At the helm is TJ, the "League Wizard," a man with a reputation as shadowy as a canyon at dusk. Whispers around the saloon suggest he might be dealing a hand of Dark Magic, cheating the system and influencing the league like a puppet master. But despite these suspicions, this cowboy rode victoriously into the Schneider Bowl showdown, outdrawing his fiercest rival, the rose of the desert, his wife Taylor.
Yet, not all was smooth ridin' for our fearless leader. The saga of Bijan Robinson stirred the dust—a stallion of a player with no mark on the injury list, yet rumors in the wind said he "wasn't feelin' right." Then there's the notorious Arthur Smith, the gruff sheriff of the Falcons—a man who lives and breathes the old ways of football. With boots heavier than his decisions and a heart as hardened as the steel of his spurs, Smith's mantra rings clear: "Your fantasy woes ain't my concern." This week, his decision to keep Bijan holstered was just another example of his no-nonsense, wild west ways.
But lo and behold, this rough-and-tumble strategy seems to be guiding the Falcons to victory, time and again. Frustrated and feeling like he's wrangling a wild bronco, TJ has thrown Bijan onto the trading post, wanting no more of Smith's unpredictable rodeos. But here's the kicker, TJ: Arthur Smith, with that trademark cowboy mustache, might as well be sipping his whiskey and saying, "Son, whether you're on board or not, this ol' train keeps chugging." In this frontier of fantasy football, you either ride with the punches or get left in the dust.
French Toast Mafia VS Flapjack Dynasty
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, step right up to witness the grand spectacle of the week!
In one corner of our big top tent, hailing from the high-flying trapeze act, it's the French Toast Mafia, who, just last week, dazzled the crowds with their daring display against the Wheaties N Scotch troupe. The Mafia's graceful aerials and tightrope heroics have the audience on the edge of their seats, eagerly awaiting their next performance.
On the opposite side, juggling fiery pins and roaring with confidence, we have The Big Cat of the Flapjack Dynasty. Despite a slight tumble in his last act against the show-stopping Pancake Blockers, he’s back, ready to juggle all challenges thrown his way. And let’s not forget his audacious proclamation, calling out Josh Allen as nothing more than a sideshow clown. But with Allen set to face a formidable defense this Thursday Night, will The Big Cat's juggling remain flawless, or will one of those pins land him a pie in the face?
As the spotlight focuses and the drum roll echoes, we're reminded of the magic that is Fantasy Football under the Big Top. Will it be the aerial prowess of the French Toast Mafia, or the ground skills of the Flapjack Dynasty that steals the show?
Grab your popcorn and candy apples, folks! In this circus, the thrills never stop, and this is the kind of top act matchup we've all been waiting for!
Dos Eggys VS Wheaties N Scotch
Ahoy, fantasy enthusiasts! While the spotlight often shines on the top-tier clashes, sometimes the most riveting battles happen in the shadowy depths of the rankings. Presenting the riveting... "Sh*t Showdown" of the week! 🎭
In one dusty corner, we have Dos Eggys, led by the ever-unfortunate Graham. Oh, Graham, it seems like Lady Luck took a vacation and left you with her mischievous cousin. When you thought the dark cloud of curses was finally lifting, along comes the news of Jerome Ford's high ankle sprain. Injuries, mishaps, misfortunes - if bad luck were a contest, Graham would surely be in the lead. His team seems to be playing a game of "Dodge the Fantasy Reaper," with Jalen Hurts sprinting like he's evading a ghostly grasp. Is there a curse? Or is it just a series of unfortunate events? Only time will tell.
Opposing him is Conner's Wheaties N Scotch. Despite pouring a good dram of performance last week, Conner faced a dilemma that many a fantasy manager dreads: choosing the right defense. Who would've thought the Mafia would benefit from Conner's loyalty to his Cousins/Hockenson stack who crushed his defense? Alas, as they say, hindsight's as clear as a crystal ball in a fortune teller's tent. While Conner might've aimed for a strategic tank, the tank seems to be sinking faster than expected. Another loss might just anchor his playoff ship too deep in the fantasy abyss.
Should this be dubbed the "Scotch Egg" showdown? Well, much like a Scotch Egg, it's an acquired taste. Not everyone appreciates its complexities, but those who do, know there's depth in every bite (or play). Both these teams, despite their records, are fighting for honor, redemption, and a flicker of hope. So, grab your seats, folks! This might not be the game everyone's talking about, but it's one no true fantasy fan would want to miss!
BCFFL Standings
Brinner Division:
French Toast Mafia 5-2
The Usyruper 3-4
Pancake Blockers 3-4
Fruity Rebbles 2-5
Dos Eggys 2-5
Brunch Division:
Honey Bunches of Hoes 6-1
Flapjack Dynasty 5-2
Scramblers FC 4-3
The Cereal Killers: 3-4
Wheaties N Scotch 2-5
Week 7 ESPN Power Rankings
Pick'em Standings:
Zach: 13-22
TJ: 19-16
Cody: 20-15
"And while I have no respect for the individuals of this league... I have a tremendous amount of respect for the league itself."- Rodney Ruxin